I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If that was your dad, he is hot
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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