I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
