also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
it was like eating out sand paper
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
