We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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