You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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