She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
