is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
