i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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