i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
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Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
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"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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