went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
