You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
