I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Houston, we have a blender
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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