After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Sober January is a disaster.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
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A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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