This is not my ceiling
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
