When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
