i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
