Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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