so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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