if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It's shark week go big or go home
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
