Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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