two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
