God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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