My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
whose parrot is this?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
