i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
