Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
