How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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