Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
