someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
