yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
