How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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