he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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