I would go down on you faster than GM stock
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
