God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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