he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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