3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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