My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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