a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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