My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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