I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
