OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
