finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
