I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
