why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
