Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i already hear my dad disowning me
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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