I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
