her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
