omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You can't motorboat a personality
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
