Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
