My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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