broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
