Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
