ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
