I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
