a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
